Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Hormones, Tears and the Holidays...
All three of which I have had an abundance of.
I have been in a great deal of struggle over the past couple of weeks and have been challenged to find peace, space and graciousness for myself. This is not necessarily something that is new to me and I feel like I have been practicing space and graciousness over the past year and now as this busy time of year approaches, the reality is, that I am struggling to know what I need.
This has got to be one of my greatest challenges. Understanding what I need and why I feel how I feel.
Anyone else struggle with this?
I feel like I am getting better at being vulnerable with my emotions and sometimes, I can only discover what is truly plaguing me once I have had an outburst or a breakdown. Yesterday I experienced an episode of heart palpitations (for those unfamiliar, this is when you heart beat abnormally fast and can be a challenge to get the heart to slow or go back to normal rhythm). In my previous life, when I lived most of it in a state of stress and anxiety, I would experience them quite frequently and had gotten pretty savvy at knowing what I needed to do to calm myself down. I hadn't had an episode in so long and when it came on last night I started to panic. I couldn't find my essential oil inhaler that usually helps and my slowed breathing practice was not making a dent in it. I finally had to ask Daren for help and he was able to find the inhaler and rub my back and hold me until it settled down.
The moment my heart slowed and the rhythm normalized, I burst into tears.
I have had a few moments lately where I am feeling pushed to the edge and then right behind the feeling of intense pressure is a flood of heavy tears that takes some time to stop.
I am finding it difficult to differentiate between hormones, stress/pressure and the sadness that I am feeling around this time of the year.
We have been through 1 Fresh IVF Cycle, 4 Failed Frozen Embryo Transfers and 2 rounds of oral hyper ovulation treatment over the past 3 and a bit years. My hormones have been fucked most of the time and it has just been in the last couple months that I really felt that my body was normalizing again almost a full year after our last Frozen Embryo Transfer. I thought why not try a round of hyper ovulation treatment. I don't have to go in to the fertility clinic on a regular basis for testing, I don't have to do any shots or suppositories, this would just be a straight up, take a pill each morning on day 3 to day 7 of your cycle and have sex. It was the morning of day 6 and I was putting the pill in my mouth and swallowing it, I heard a very clear message from my intuition saying "Stop taking these pills - this isn't the way". As the pill slid down my throat and entered my body for the now 4th day in a row, I had a realization that my behaviour had been extra sensitive, I had had more emotional outbursts than had felt normal up to that point and I was having a really hard time managing my anxiety (something I really haven't been struggling with over the past 6 months).
All arrows pointed to this hyper ovulation (hormone) treatment I had opted to taken. The life of fertility treatment is an absolute roller coaster ride and the experience tests you and your relationship in ways that I don't know anything else would. The patience, kindness and love that Daren had shown me through this experience has certainly solidified our commitment to each other in this life.
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash
I can go from being a loving little lamb to being a fire breathing dragon and then a puddle of tears on the floor within a span of 5-10 minutes, it is exhausting for me and I can only imagine how frustrating and unsettling it is for Daren and he continues to love and support me in all of it. If I choose that I don't want to proceed with any more fertility treatments, he will support me in that. He never makes me feel guilty or bad for my decisions and is always my greatest supported, even when I feel like I am losing my mind.
Lesson of this month is - fertility treatment (hormones), the holidays, packing and moving and celebrating Deacons birthday all in the same month is WAY TOO MUCH. Slowing down needs to be my first priority and I have never prayed harder for my period to come. As I know when it does, I can start fresh, start anew and be done with this roller coaster of a cycle.
As I realize the greater and greater toll that the fertility treatment is having on my body, the more I am convinced that there is another way that our family will come to be. I most certainly do not have all the answer and I do know that If I am listening to my body and to my intuition, fertility treatment is not the way right now and if I continue to trust myself, I will be guided toward what I want and in the process not need to compromise my daily experience to get there.
xo
Kommentare